and some random picture from last year's cheer! uhh ignore the weird facial! it was bright and i needed to squint!

hey guys! thanks for being there for me!! im doing so much better now.. im sorry if i only post something him when i need to vent and rant!! tell me stuff about you guys! how's college?? and sacki, hows it over there? well adjusted yet? well prom was sooo amazing! and uhh monday, i was watching a movie with him... and he was driving me home and he wanted to tell me something.. so we had this convo on relationships and how he's not the type to get into one and stuff but he said he could be with me for a long time.. and we were in some hill and he asked me out and it was the sweetest thing ever>> and i found worthy people to hang out with.. they're so funny and so amazing!

WOW!!! people are being really messed up lately... everyone is just ditching the fuck out of everyone and i guess i deserved to be ditched by everyone that ive been hanging out with this entire school year! so that one chick who "was" my  best friend.. we totally stopped hanging out and she erased me from her everything but we're doing our project together so yea... weird.. and when we're alone,, everything is okay! and that other girl that promised to save me from all of this turned her back against me too just because of prom and some limo issue that i was out of control of. and its so lame and i know she's stubborn and she always holds grudges! so now i feel like im starting to study in a new school again and im getting myself into a new group of friends which is really pathetic.. i got ditched during lunch last minute and it felt really dumb>> i dont even know anymore.. i dont know how this all started, how i lost myself, my principles, my friends.. i FUCKIN dont know... and sometimes i feel like i dont even know who i am anymore....

and i fucked up the SATs...

 

So my junior prom is this saturday! HAHA! YESSS! im so delayed but its all good.. its in a yacht in San Francisco and im so excited... but we have issues for the ride because we dont have a limo and yea my parents are ewwy about him driving and all...*sigh*

but anyway, yea i chose the guy... i really like him and we watched a movie saturday! house of wax.. and it was dumb.. but i layed down in his lap and we held hands and it waS FREAKINGGG great! and i was going to see him tomorrow but he's sick and he has a game at 4:30 and we were going to watch my friend's softball game at 3! so yea i hope he calls me..

and i guess i feel retardedly bad because he has a cold and all and he was kinda snappy at me awhile ago and it made me kinda sad... but i think im just being overly sensitive about it

my friend and are gravy! she doesnt consider me her best friend anymore which is definitely expected.. we're still good friends then... she says its all good as long as we're still friends and she's not mad.. she wanted me to tell her the truth and i hesitated because i knew she already knew and stuff... but yea its okay now

*sigh* thank God...

so whats been going on lately? a whole bunch of bullcrap! oh and seeing mara ban and macky herera was amazing <3 thanks karissa for the shirt and the card. i love you always and forever

so anyway, i always thought that id never like a guy my friend liked/s or who was with or had something with... because i always believed it was messed up! and i told this friend that id never do that... and i end up doing it to her towards some guy she has been liking for 4/5 years now. the thing is, i cant see why i cant like him? i know its like WTF is wrong with you because hello? its you good friend but its almost like its dead.. there's no hope between them because he sees her as a little sister and she knows that! so you cant help but go for it... i feel so bad for the guy because for the past years, his relationships never worked because his girlfriends are always close friends to my friend so it ends up getting messed up because no one wants to hurt her.. but what about him? it has hurt him so much.. and we like each other and i dont want to do that to him too.. i want to be different. i want to like him and not be afraid to say it and follow how i feel. im going to live with the guilt of liking him but everyone's just saying she needs to get over it and be happy for me. and that she needs to get over it that he will never like her, but then again, its not like i dont understand how sensitive she is towards him and her love for him. i constantly contradict myself taking her side and not.. saying she's a good friend then calling her a psycho for being overly obsessed with him... i hate this. and i hate what im doing but it makes me happy. he makes me really happy and i dont know what to do. i want to go for it and damn yea i will... but  i guess it means losing a friend. everyone tells me its fine and all and she needs to grow up and get over it. i guess we're just not meant to be friends. i want to understand her so much but i cant. and she'll never understand my side.. she never will.. NEVER... to her, im just a little traitor/bitch... but i guess all my actions have consequences... i have no idea... im just following how i feel and if people cant accept that then thats ok...

 

HELP>